the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She told me I should be a condom model.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
