You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Ketchup is God's man juice
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
