What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
