Is it because I queefed?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
