Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
