He kissed a someone with a penis
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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