Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
