can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
