so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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