I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
