Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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