community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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