I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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