i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My liver just broke up with me...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
