i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
