I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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