The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
