Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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