Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
