My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
