wanna go halves on a baby?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
