i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
