I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
