Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
