Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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