That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
