Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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