Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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