i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
