Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
