I hate your face
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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