i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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