would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
