apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
