He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
