i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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