Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Randomize
