Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
