i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
