Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
