Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
