dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
This house was built for laser tag.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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