i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
