i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
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