just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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