Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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