When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
