Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
