woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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