last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
