I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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