College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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