I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
