Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
