Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The best revenge is premature balding
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
